Day19 …..class, what did we learn last time?

Yup, I’m going to talk about her. (Room goes silent…) Its not what you mean ppl think! Lol. Thought a bit today what it would be like when I run into her again. I still have at least 5-6 months before that’s even a possibility. Don’t her me wrong. Im pretty positive there won’t be a flood of emotion or any made-for-tv moment happening…pretty sure about that. At least on my part. Can’t speak for her but if I was to guess…I think shed say the same. I think we’ve both successfully “gotten over” each other. My journey to get there was really REALLY hard….I’ve never let someone have all of me and know all of my heart. Can’t speak for her journey ….I suspect it wasn’t a remotely rough road or tough thing to move on. Just my observation. Not taking a dig….just facts…when you say to someone they aren’t worth fighting for….that’s pretty clear.
That’s when you’ve gotta accept that the love and commitment wasn’t mutual. You ask, “well, how do you know what she felt wasn’t love?” Well, because the Bible says plainly what love does and doesn’t do in Corinthians 13 ” Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self….” She gave up. Wasn’t love. Black and white Don’t u think? (No pun intended )

I said all that to set the precedent for my earlier assertion of the absence of the “movie moment”. Had to gave been some love there for that to happen. That’s why it irritates me so severely when ppl say, “if you guys end up back together…..” UUGGGHHH! I am so offended by that statement everytime I hear it. It personally offends me because in essence, they are saying that my options are so limited (which lord knows that’s not true) or that I’m so desperate that I would gladly be with someone that plainly does not have the love for me that I have for her and has said so in so many words! That’s offensive! Sorry for the rabbit trail.

Just wondering will there be any unresolved anger for giving the deepest part of me ,I’ve kept safe for 40+ years that was supposed to go to my Mrs. Forever after, ….to her. I think I’ve worked through all of my emotions about the past year and half….pf course I thought the same about my feelings towards my biological father. But Jim, my therapist, brought up some issues that uncovered feelings I thought had long since been dealt with. Ironically the two are very similar. My anger and hurt with my father stems from his failure to defend me, his own son, as his wife and children attack my character with blatant lies about my daughters, my mother, my grand parents….he wouldn’t participate but he would sit and let his own son be dragged through the mud but claim he wants a relationship.
Well guess where I found the same type of person? Wearing my engagement ring in 2012! Go figure. Exact same deal. Except she participated joyfully in the desecration of my character. Jim and I think maybe I subconsciously searched for the same type of person hoping that they would defend me where my father wouldn’t. Who knows? No matter. That’s question one in the pre date questionnaire now! Lol! Along with the contract, sis! Lol!

I kind of hope she will be dating by then. Its be so much less awkward with her man with her. I’ve been asked wouldn’t that hurt like hell? Just the opposite. If there’s one wish I have for her its this: that she would one day find someone that she can love with the ferocity, passion, unlimited & unbridled pride and deep sense of commitment that I had for her. Its an amazing experience to love that hard against all odds. Even when its not returned, its still an amazing experience. Only difference is….I hope and wish w all my heart that she gets that in return. That’s what I pray for her bc there is nothing like seeing that person across the room and realizing that there is literally nothing that u won’t do to make that person happy. Nothing. Bc their smile is enough for u to live on….that’s what I want for her.

So I guess I kind of answered my own question. Or maybe not…..when it happens…and it will..I actually already know approximately when…she has no clue….the mutual friend we have doesnt even know we once knew each other…..ill be sure to let u all know….what didn’t happen.

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