Day22….the race begins

I received a devotional about humility today from one of the guys in my Wednesday night men’s group. It was quite the conformation for me. The mechanism of growth…okay in laymen terms….the struggles that I’m facing…..that Dad is using to grow me into the man I was designed to be…..are coming hard and fast now. Seems as if as fast as I get through one struggle there’s another one in full strength bearing down on me. Im not complaining bc the funny thing is: when you commit to doing whatever is necessary to be the best you that you were designed to be….in order for that to happen you have to confront the very worst of yourself, own it, admit it, deal with it openly and begin to conquer it. Too often we discover the truth about ourselves but instead of owning it and facing it with God’s grace, we medicate, dull our conscience with excessive drinking, drugs, meaningless sex, etc… instead of facing our guilt….we dull our conscience and blame everything and everyone else for the reason where we are and who’ve we become. I can speak intelligently about this because I spent a large portion of my 20s and 30s doing this very thing. When finally confronted with the truth, and finally faced with losing something more valuable than my pride or dignity, I chose to face the man I had become. It was this experience that freed me… didn’t get easier but I can really be proud of and live the person in the mirror finally.
I’m troubled currently by the pursuit of the “Bartender”, the “Tomboy” and “Ghetto-fabulous”. (Names are changed to protect the innocent ) Here’s the interesting thing: Bartender is the least needy but has nothing outside of that to offer. A little dedication to the gym she could be smoking hot. Problem is she has no ambition, priorities are all wrong, no plan or vision for the future. In short, she’s all play and no work. She says she wants me to trust her enough to give her a chance. But the more we talk, im convinced that when she says she cares about me…its just words. And she has the same distorted twisted unhealthy idea of what relationships are supposed to look like that my ex-fiancee did. Tomboy is the opposite large extent. Very focused, she has a healthy view of relationships…in school, great mom…a little clingy…actually really clingy…and needy. But she will be a friend for life bc she is true and honest with her feelings. Problem is she wants more than friendship. I know it might sound shallow but I couldn’t ever see myself with her, introducing her to my circles. We are like night and day. We have very little in common. And I’m just not attracted to her that way. But she’s such a sweetheart and genuinely cares about what happens to me. “Ghetto-fabulous” doesn’t have a prayer in even getting within five miles of me. Those who know me know I don’t do ghetto. Here’s the catch. She’s a nice person and has become a good friend. But I don’t think she’s going to let it stay just that…a friendship. I never be caught dead in public with her considering how she dresses..but she has been a good outlet for me that I can trust her discretion. Fortunately, she’s too far away to be much of a threat or danger.
Now there are two very real threats that have my attention but no commitment. “Shoe Angel” &”Jill Scott” . Shoe Angel or SA and I have a lot of history….but the most notable thing about SA is this: she loves me like I loved my ex. The “no matter ” kind of love. The ill fight through hell and high water for you kind of love. Interesting thing is: she had that kind of love for me…..I didn’t have that kind of love for her. I had the kind of love for my ex-fiancee but she didn’t have it for me. Karma? Sometimes I wonder. Crazy thing is….she still loves me that way….course it makes sense, I still love my ex too. Which is the defense I use to keep Bartender, Tomboy and GF at bay. I don’t have the heart to tell two of them they physically just don’t cut it….and the other person that they are not healthy enough to be with anyone….especially me. I just gave up someone very unhealthy that i loved and it would be foolish to put myself right back in that mess.
Now Jill Scott…..whoa…I’m at a loss of what to say. Very literally could be my best friend for the next forty years. Don’t have that with SA…not at that level. Can’t ever really see myself with SA…and not feel like I settled. Jill Scott has it all……we have a friendship that has blossomed over the past couple of months…but two crucial things needed for a potential wife…….at least on my list……sexual aptitude and the size 10-12 or smaller…..that’s it! Everything else is perfect. And she’s thousands of miles away so there’s no risk of developing sexual tension. Perfect setup. We have so much fun together on the phone. If that were to work out, I can honestly see that id be spending the rest of my life with my best friend….not in a relationship….which is my dream to have.

Now I can’t honestly close this description of all those involved without including the “Dark Horse” . This young lady is unique for a myriad of reasons but one in particular…….I want to get to know her and I’m her type….down to my eyebrows and my goatee. She has no idea that I’m really interested to know her as a person and I will let the friendship progress on its on. Again, no mention of relationship…..just a friendship. But seriously, I could definitely see myself with her. She is absolutely stunning! Impeccably well put together. She’s an artist and is signed to a label. I’m anticipating getting to know her.
On other points, I’m progressing nicely in my healing process. Jim has been awesome in keeping me focused on the facts and not letting my emotions screw with my perception. I’m not expecting to never hurt anymore but I realize that it’s a part of the grieving process. Having the goal of being debt free and marriage-ready by the end of this year helps me keep my mind focused and my nose to the grindstone. I still miss her sometimes, but it helps to know she could never love me bc she’s in such an unhealthy place in her life. The heart wants what the heart wants nevertheless. I’m learning to choose with my head, not follow my heart…..that almost killed me with my ex. Never again. I almost literally died over her. No one should ever have that much control over your life. No one but God. Tough lesson to learn but learned nevertheless.

Now that I’m healthy, becoming whole……I’m working on being happy…..something I’ve never done….new experience….ill let you know how it goes.


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