Day 24….out of left field… ..

Honestly,  I’m quite sure of what to make of today. Still kind of reeling from the out of nowhere shots.
First, the good news, I have an interview tomorrow at noon. Not for my dream job but a step in my quest to be marriage ready. Fingers crossed. “Seek and ye shall find”……I’m seeking…not just fasting & praying…..(my brother is loving that one!)

I did something today I’m rather proud of. Or rather proud of my growth. I had a really good conversation with my youngest daughters mom. Until now, there had only been very destructive and harsh exchanges between us. But I’ve come to realize that its not for her to change our correspondence, I cannot change her. But I can change me. I vowed to only treat her with kindness, respect and grace. Forgiving and forgetting all the past wrongs and completely letting go. Amazing what that level of freedom will do for your inner peace. She’s grown quite a bit as a person. She encouraged me on my journey to become the man I can be proud of and God can be proud of. More importantly, my daughter can be proud to call “dad”. Felt good…..just as a side note…..my daughter is the most beautiful girl in the world….but I’m a little biased.
Race results: we’ve had one actually pull out! Whew! And it was easier than I thought and we can remain friends. I’m pretty proud of how deftly I handled that. Worked out well. Now that the “bartender” no longer is an issue., id like to say I’m sad but honestly, there was no chance that there was anything there to manufacture some sort of relationship out of. Glad we didn’t try. I think Ghettofabulous is starting to get the picture. She’s backing off now…..a little. Now Jill Scott…..oh my….I saw a pic of her today that took my breath away. That’s starting to take on a life of its own. Fortunately, its safe for me bc she’s thousands of miles away. So the friendship can grow unencumbered. She’s becoming a very valued friend and I’m often wondering what a relationship with her would be like….well, its just speculation for now.
Tomboy is getting increasingly difficult to manage. Increasingly needy. She asked me today if I thought she was attractive ……talking about loaded question! I said, “of course…” and mumbled to myself ” to someone”. I just bring myself to say a mean thing to her bc she’s such a sweetheart. I seriously am considering cleaning up the statement I left hanging when she asked me if she was attractive. I can hear certain ones I know screaming, “you’re leading her on!” Not my intention but I can see how that could happen. Its just so irritating that she’s fishing! Note to ladies: never fish for compliments…its really not cute!

I’m just completely speculating at this point but wouldn’t it be cool if my daughters mother is saved and following God and I end up after all this struggle with a wife and a family after all? That would so cool. Great testimony! But I’m not writing my happily ever after……Dad is…..and all I know is that my princess is the most fairest and most incredibly amazing woman ever made!!! And she’s all mine!

Still heavy hearted for my ex. Everytime I think about what she must be feeling….I have to fight back tears….had someone who I shared with them how hard it is for me not to run to her side….even though everyone is telling me not to…..my heart is breaking for her…..and her mom. Just don’t know what to do….I want to do something …..I know it sounds crazy but I feel like I’m letting her down by not keeping my word to be there no matter what….
I just keep praying and I hope somewhere deep in her heart she knows that the past doesn’t matter right now….if she needs me, ill be there…no questions asked…..

Laters

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