I’m tired of writing about the same hurt. Tired of feeling the same. Tired of the same struggle. I can’t manage not to care….but I want to figure out how to completely let go. And I manage to let go bc there’s a large part of me that doesn’t want to. Wants to prove that I meant “forever” when I said it. Live the “for better or for worse” even though it was never said. Its all “worse” right now. Having a hard time being selfish enough to allow myself to be truly loved by someone else. To take care of me. Or to let someone else take care of me……truly care about me. Because no matter what or who comes along…..there’s still the stupid retarded part of my stubbornness that wants a happily ever after with the “her” that was honest, loving and true. She existed once upon a time. I think that’s what’s toughest. Because I want to believe that somewhere deep inside that person still exists……that she hasnt been completed snuffed out by the current influences that control her life.
I know I’ve got to get past still caring about what happens to her. And start taking care of me. And im working hard to stay consistant with my gameplan to be the man I was designed to be by the end of this year. Facing a lot of hard things and admitting a lot of wrongs in my past to a lot of ppl that I didn’t ever give them the decency of admission of my guilt or an apology. Eating a lot of crow but actually realizing how much freedom there is in resolving the past. Facing your demons and confronting who u are and what Uve done is the most freeing thing u could ever commit to. Most of them have long since forgiven me and I am forming great friendships with those ppl again. Amazed at the amount of ppl that notice the huge changes in the man I am and the man i was……
Its hard….I’m suffering a lot of tough days……but I’m keeping my head down…I can’t quit. Because 2014 will be the beginning of an amazing life…I can’t wait….ok, now back to work….hopefully not for long..(praying: please God let me get this job in Atlanta….)
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