Day whatever the heck it is: the fight to keep my “qwan “

In the movie, “Jerry McGuire”, Cuba Goofing Jr. plays a mid level wide reliever struggling to make good in the pros. He refers witsvvnv often in the movie to “his qwan”. Synonyms being his inner “peace”, his “luck”, his “chi”, his “drive”.
My “qwan” is consistently disturbed. Yet, that word that drives me batty keeps the flower of “something better” from completely dying. That word “hope”. I’ve come to develop a love/hate relationship with that word. Hope had me believing that against all odds, id be happily married right now. Hope caused me to ignore the obvious signs that there wasn’t a mutual commitment to “no matter what”. Hope is what led me to the emotional cliff of “no turning back” and pushed me off…..convincing me that I could fly……..uhmmm, yeah not so much. After six months in the emotional intensive care, heart on life support…u can understand why I pretty have nothing but a general all around digusted for the word.

So my “qwan” has to be rooted in something more substantial than “hope”. Something more solid. Something dependable. Something I can count on. That tends to be me. I can control my commitment to doing the hard stuff. I can manage my determination daily. I can deal with my failures when I drop the ball. Acknowledge my failure, own it, admit it, ask for forgiveness of those I’ve let down and commit to changing the behaviour. THAT I can do. Hoping to be thrown a “metaphorical bone” or catch a break bc of my tenacity is what I CANNOT do. My reward and hope lies in my daily commitment to do, be, react, love and forgive better than yesterday. Those efforts will get me to the place I want to be and get me the life I want to live.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not completely discounting what “Dad” will do for me. Its just not my focus. What He does doesn’t concern me or play a role in my commitment. If He does something to help and make it easier….great. if He doesn’t, I’ve lost nothing bc my progress isn’t contingent on a “hail Mary”…..it rests in the 3&4 yd running plays up the middle..grinding it out…blood, sweat & tears ….everyday…over and over. (Ya like that? A little football metaphor just in time for the Superbowl!)

So in the effort to solidify the consistent equilibrium of my “qwan” I am desperately trying to 1. Stay EXTREMELY busy. I know its a cop out but until I figure out what to do with what I still feel for her….I’ve gotta deal this way. 2. Appreciate reminders I can handle and stay away from those I can’t. 3. Pay no attention to the way “things” are turning out….just keep swimming. (Dora reference from Finding Nemo) and remember, “consistency is always rewarded”.
I say it every morning as I lay down ti sleep….”Today, I’m stronger than I was yesterday bc I’ve lived and didnt die another 24 hours…. without her”.

And therein lies my “qwan”……

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