Yup, I’m living that good old southern church testimony of God coming to my rescue just in the nick of time. For 3 weeks I’ve had car issues. From day to day, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get back and forth to work until a Co worker offered to pick me up and take me back home.Great! So after week one of scrambling to find a way to work, problem solved, right?
Ok, I’ve got to stop here to provide an adequate backstory.
My job only allows ten points in absences. Unexcused absences during the week are two points. Weekend shifts are 3 points. I’ve got 8pts already. So if I miss a day, id be fired. This is why it hurt me so badly when my ex decided that she did not want to give me a ride to work, four hours before I was supposed to be there.
Now with framework laid….I didn’t have a ride until my coworker decided to help me out. But then, that coworker got sick and has been out for a week! So I haven’t had a ride all week until the last minute.
Ok, I haven’t missed a day bc Dad has provided a way everyday. But here’s my issue. While I am thankful to Dad for providing a way, this is an every week deal. Isn’t there a place that you can get where Dad doesn’t have to save your behind? I know that you’re suppose to run around the church and shout about God making a way but when do you get to the place where He doesn’t have to make the same way over and over again? Don’t get me wrong, while I’m overjoyed that He takes care of me…..doesn’t it strike anyone else as strange that if God has to “make” the same way out for you over and over again that you might not be growing at all? Aren’t we supposed to at some point and time grow past needing God to pay a bill, or make a way for me to get to work? Does my faith in God solely dependent on how much I struggle? Why can’t I graduate to struggling how to give away my excess money or struggling to forgive those who I give away a car to and are ungrateful? Am I “more” saved bc I don’t know what and if ill eat tomorrow? Honestly, I don’t want to be that saved. Just being honest. I want stability. And it seems as if Dad likes me being unstable. The funny thing is that if I understand correctly, I’m supposed to be content in this state of uncertainty. If I were to follow conventional church rhetoric. Well, Im not. I want the stability of knowing that I have everything I need to go where I need to, pay who I need to, buy what I need to and live how I should be. Right now, I can’t even respect myself. I was far more successful and stable at 22 than I am right now. When I look into the mirror, there’s not much to be proud of. Don’t get me wrong, the character that Dad has developed in me over the past two years is phenomenal and I’m very proud of the that. I like who I am. Yet digusted by where I am as a man. I use that word loosely bc right now I barely qualify.
I’m working to change my situation feverishly. For my daughters sake. She needs to have a dad she respects and can be proud of. Such is not the case now. But I get up everyday in hopes that today will be the day that I find the escape hatch to this hole….this long dark hallway leading nowhere…..this pit….and when I do….ill scratch and claw never to be here again……bc I never want to lose my self respect again……and I never want to be waiting on Dad to rescue me or provide a miracle to save me…..in the nick of time…
Posted from WordPress for Android