I usually don’t double post in a day bc I really am committed to making this blog something of value to someone everyday…..and not just a ridiculously long “tweet”.
In my recent struggles in emotional and philosophical dilemmas, I realized I have failed horribly in articulating the “meat and potatoes” of what’s really going on in my process. So….here goes a little update to bring you up to speed. (I apologize in advance for the numerous “rabbit holes” I’m about to traverse. If Uve been reading my blog u know by now….I tend to ramble. I’m sorry.)
First and foremost, I joined a group of men that are from various backgrounds in a meeting of the minds on every other Wednesday night. We started going thru this book called “The Resolution”. This book was written from the movie “Courageous ” by the producers of the same movie. Not sure whether the book came first or the movie. No matter. The book is a step by step process of living out the “resolution” that is in the movie and in the front of the book. The resolution is a covenant for men to sign and agree with God and each other to live as men of integrity, truthfulness, godly husbands and real responsible fathers. I’m not a husband, obviously, not planning on it in the foreseeable future unless God says otherwise…but I am a father. And this book, called me to the carpet. Made me take a long hard look at my track record and admit to myself and God…I’ve been a pretty crappy dad. So I’ve committed with these guys to change our track records and do the hard work to be better dads, better men, better leaders….and not dodge our responsibilities but embrace them.
When I decided this…the first thing Dad brought to my mind was to start with my youngest, Ava. Now, I haven’t been in her life at all through choices made by her mother and myself. No need for blame….time to make it right. So I did…simply by calling everyday…her mom was open and it melted my heart and brought me to tears when I first heard her voice….first words I ever heard her say were,” Hi daddy, what r you doing?” Instantly fell in love with her all over again. Loving the pictures and the phone calls everyday. Her mom says she looks forward to talking to daddy. Makes me cry everytime she says before she hangs up, ” I love u daddy”. I don’t deserve her but boy am I going to be the man she deserves as a dad. Talk about motivation!
Just when this miracle was settling in. Child support for Ava was tripled by the state of north Carolina. Based solely on my income tax return of 2010…..which I averaged 5-6k a month. I make nowhere near that now. And they started taking about 85% of my paycheck. This caused me to default on my car which I took back…not going to force them to come and get it. The right thing was to tell the truth and say I no longer could pay for it until this was fixed. I did exactly that. The right thing. All the while praying,”God u know I need a car. I struggled and waited on u for two months patiently and u gave me this one. So I need u to provide a miracle and help me keep it.” No miracle came. I talked to everyone in charge and everyone admired my character for being honest but no one could help. So I took my honesty and integrity and walked the 10-15 miles back home in 20degree winter cold. Phone died. No one to call. And asking why if I did the right thing, why am I getting the short end of the stick? My bro stepped in a few days later and made it clear. “Doing the right thing is our job. Its the minimum requirement. We don’t qualify for some bonus because we finally decide to obey Gods commandments.” So I had to let that go and move on.
Since then, I haven’t missed a day of work. God has always provided a ride to and from work. Sometimes its a cab, sometimes its a coworker, sometimes its not until the last possible minute. But I have had one everyday. So I’m thankful.
I’ve missed a lot of church bc of limited transportation but my pastor has been very understanding and has helped when he could. I’ve been blessed in that respect. Have no clue if and when ill get another vehicle. I’m sure whenever Dad says the times right, He make an obvious way. Until then I’m content bumming rides. Kind of interesting to see who he will use today.
Kind of had it out with a friend today….and I think I hurt them a little. Didn’t intend to…never. But in my passion about what we were discussing caused a rift…I’m hoping can be patched. Just hurts bc one of the things I loved about the friendship is I could talk about every and anything and it was ok…..safe….it was ok to be venerable….honest….let my guard down….not be perfect….
But my honesty and my inexperience at being transparent sometimes ends in me saying too much and someone gets hurt. I hate that part of honesty. Most of the time I’m not sure what I should and shouldn’t say to ppl. So I don’t say a lot. Except of those in “my circle”. I hope I haven’t lost one today. That would crush me.
Update on the “forgetting Sarah marshall” . I believe that my struggles I’m dealing with now are meant to take my focus off my hurt of losing her. It doesn’t hurt everyday. Don’t think of her everyday. But it comes in waves. I go weeks and I’m just fine. But for some reason, I ll have a bad week of missing who she was in the beginning. I know that’s not who she is anymore. So its easier to accept the girl I fell in love with and proposed to is long gone.
Not sure if I’m healing or just getting used to living with the loss and pain. No matter. What really helps is the part of me that desperately wants to be in love now has fallen in love with the last woman to ever occupy a space in my heart….Princess Ava. Every bit of love I have left is going straight to her and only her. Never again will I have to risk that deepest part of me to someone I barely know……the deepest part is Dads…the rest belongs to my girls. As it should be. No room for anyone else.
And while I struggle through this place of opportunity and learning, and God is completely taking “her” out of my system permanently and thoroughly (which He could only do if my attention was focused elsewhere), I am loving the joy of learning the love of my life….my daughter. She loves purple, all the Disney princesses (bc if u ask she will tell u she is one) and loves nuggets and her hamburger with ketchup and mustard only. But most importantly, she loves her daddy…..and that’s the only love I ever want from any female for the rest of my life……that’s enough for me.
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