Day 143 the votes are in…..and the winner is…..

I’m reeling from another worldwind week of excitement and drama……uh…..not so much. Work….home…sleep….work…home…sleep…work….sleep…home. In that order. And I blog why? Lolol. I miss 2008-2009. Gigs every weekend. Traveling to different places. Exciting job. Meeting new people. Money abundant…..the good life. Mind you, I was an atrocious person and completely a disaster spiritually and emotionally…..but life was good. As I mentioned to someone recently, I feel as if I traded ” the good life” to be a healthy person. On paper it seems like a good trade. Self awareness and being healthy are very good company when ur alone watching HGTV on a Friday night bc ur always broke. Oh well, the life we live is the result of the choices we’ve made. I’ve consistently chosen horribly, therefore I am where I am. BUT…I’m a healthy and healing person. Yaaaayyyyy! (Yup, that was sarcasm)

Of course there are the detractors. Those who say, I spend too much effort and sensibility on the “Woe is me” soapbox. That my life isn’t that bad. I  think that is absolutely hilarious as they leave their 30-60k a year paying job to pick up their 2.5 well adjusted kids who they’ve never had to struggle with not being able to be with….did I mention the two cars in the driveway of the spacious suburban 2-3 bedroom, nicely decorated home? “Oh, u just are so negative. Hold on a minute, I’ve got to decide what car we’re taking tonight”. Really? As they crawl in bed every night next to their wives and not worry if when they flip the light switch in the morning will the lights come on. They DECIDE what to eat while I pray that I will actually eat today. If I eat twice a day..its been a stellar day! But I’ve got a bad perspective? While they sit on their paid for art van house gardens furniture and I’m stuck in a hovel of a little room my friend is kind enough to let me rent? OH REALLY? Come talk to me when Uve had to walk 3 hours one way to work. Come talk to me when your child begs to see you but ur too broke to get a plane ticket to go see them. Come talk to me when Uve had to bum a ride to and from work for months bc a bulldozer backed over your car and the insurance gave u enough just to pay off your damaged vehicle. Come talk to me when ur out 6 grand for a wedding that never happened. Come talk to me when ur trying to find a ride to the grocery store so u can eat.
Tell me hows your attitude going to look then? While all of that’s not true at the moment, I’ve been there. Done that. And it grated me when people raised in a loving home with both parents, never been po’ (not poor, but po’) are so quick to tell people who are struggling how their attitude should be. Can’t walk a mile in my shoes bc ur driving with heated and cooled leather seats!
(Dismounting soapbox)
Just so there’s no confusion, my buddy and good friend J knows I’m going on on him. We’ve talked about this and he’s not such a wuss and sensitive that I can’t blast him and he not take offense. Were cool. But he knows that having a 80k a year makes his opinion a mute point. The beautiful wife and kids….the three cars in the driveway and the childhood of two loving parents who helped him buy his first home and paid for his wedding…..pretty much makes him the opposite of an expert on the subject of struggle. But I love my boy. We’ll always be boys. And he knows it.

I guess I’m trying to say that I realize some us on this planet never messed up. Some of us chose a career out of high school that would make money instead of following our dreams. Some of went to college and finished instead of dropping out to be a musician or artist. Some of us fell in love had married the forts second or fourth person we ever dated. Some of us found the perfect job after college and never got laid off fired or searched 10 years to find what they wanted to do when they grew up. Some of us never had a child put of wedlock because of a drunken one night stand. Some of grew up in a two parent home…two incomes….nice house in a nice neighborhood…parents still together…gave u a chunk of change for graduating college….heck paid for college. Some of never made ONE life altering bad decision that it took decades to recover from…….but many of us did.
And on behalf of those who did….I say this to u who didn’t……shut up…bc u know nothing of struggle and what it takes to climb out of the sewers … please quit telling us we need to smile down here when Uve never been here. Now u may return to ur Martha Stewart life.

Oh! Btw. The winner is……no one! The general consensus from all the responses I’ve gotten from the question I posed in Day 142 “what to do” is to not accept any of the offers for help from anyone and continue struggling. So I vowed to go with the majority. (Even though the majority falls into the category mentioned above) and we will see what God does about it. Here goes nothing!!!


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