There are tremendous benefits to blogging. No matter your choice of approaches to it. Some blog for recreation. Some blog informationally. (Yeah, I made that word up) Some blog as a release (that would be me) and some do it to document, for their own growth, their journey through the landscape of their lives. (Me on that one too) One of the benefits I had not taken into account is that you make so many unusual connections with people you otherwise would never communicate with. One of these such people have meandered into my little corner of the blogasphere and have given me a sense of comradery in my healing process. Might not seem like much to you. But its absolutely HUGE to me. You see, its been four months since….the day. Four months and a day exactly. And honestly, those who have struggled to walk with me down this path, with the best of intentions and my welfare being their main concern, have…..well how can I say it?…….pretty much gotten to the place where they are “done with it” already. They really don’t mean any harm or to be impatient but they are feeling a little like saying, ” Get over it and her already! Because we have!”
I don’t blame them. They’ve never walked in these shoes before and its hard for ppl to get how a 41 yr old man can be emotionally straight-jacketed and heartbroken for months after a break up. Especially when there are so many that are blatantly showing their interest in “helping me heal”. Lolol
Yesterday, however, I ran across someone who is doing the same thing I am…..blogging their journey of healing. Its kind of creepy how similar our stories are. The main difference is that they were married. They also were sure they heard from God. And the unwillingness of their mate to get unhealthy also caused them to have to let their mate walk away for good. They also thought God was mending the broken relationship only to have their mate refuse to get help.
It was such a amazingly cleansing and awesome thing to empty my feelings I’ve been fighting to keep buried for the sake of others now tired of my hurt. Its so therapeutic to talk someone who its taken six months to even be able to talk about it without bursting into tears. (Their split happened in July). I’ve been really good about holding my emotions in check when talking to most ppl. I can put on the brave front which makes them comfortable. But it felt so good to just be honest about my hurt, cry bc it hurts and they just listened and shared where they are. We cried. We prayed. Talked about how we would like to move on but just can’t yet. How difficult it is to imagine not being suspicious of everyone. His Proverbs 4:23 has taken on a whole new meaning. “Guard your heart…” is now our badge of honor. Discussed how guarding your from everyone except our kids and God does cut us off from experiencing some happiness but more importantly it prevents us from repeating the same mistakes of letting people in too close.
Just felt amazing to talk to someone who gets it and aren’t pushing me to get over it. Funny thing is, they said the same thing. They haven’t been able to be honest about their hurt bc their friends really don’t want to “hear it” anymore. The release was amazingly therapeutic for both of us. Vowing to be that place of release for each other…..so we can keep our friendships and have them stop avoiding us! Lolol! I’m amazed how Dad puts the right ppl in ur path when u need them most. This was definitely His doing. Just when I needed it most. Sad part is of all the people I know, still can’t find a guy that will be that open and honest about his feelings. Most guys are too egotistical and swimming in testosterone to admit and discuss such feelings…the do the “ah well, next” deal. But I choose to feel. I don’t regret having for once in my life loved someone with everything in me….no restrictions….no cautiousness….threw caution to the wind and loved her all out…..no matter what ppl said……I know what that feels like and I don’t regret that experience. Its amazing to love like that. Quite literally us against the world. Most men can’t go there and that’s sad.
No matter, Dad knows what He’s doing and I’m along for the ride. Yup, I’m having a good week this week. Last week was a bad one. But life has its up and downs and I just go with the flow. Take the good weeks and enjoy them. Press through the bad weeks as best as I can. And the ones who can walk with me part of the way, love u for it. Those who can go all the way, love u more. Life is not about the destination….its about the journey. And we were never created to be perfect….we were created to be real. Maybe I will someday be able to believe someone when they say they love me. Maybe I won’t. Maybe someday I will be able to believe someone when they say I’m not like her…ill stick it out no matter what. Maybe not. Maybe ill believe someone when they say,”ill always love you bc I’m committed to you.” Maybe not.
But I think, and this is purely conjecture, that me being healed won’t be based on whether or not I can ever believe, love or trust another human being again….I believe it’ll be based on the place where I can look back at the “Bunny and Bear” years and smile knowing that I once knew what loving someone with everything in me felt…..not remembering the hurt…..but remembering what loving that way felt like and knowing I once did.
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