Day 149 —–Finally !!! Its over!

Yes! I’m talking about the most dreaded holiday of the year by men everywhere. Valentines Day. Ok….maybe not men everywhere but at least by me. And I’m just going to be honest. I dreaded it because I no longer have her.  No need to be deep and come up with some profound reason why I feel the way I do. Its simply bc I miss her. Not who she is now. But who she was when I fell in love with her. I actually made it through yesterday without shedding a tear. But my heart was heavy. I had looked forward with so much anticipation of sharing valentines day like I had seen in my minds eye for years as a married man. I could do all the things I’ve always wanted to. See, I’m a HUGE romantic. Almost sappy. I mean,  I dreamed of cooling a gourmet dinner… delivered to work…..the bath steaming hot with incenses and candles everywhere.  Rented massage table for the after dinner hot oil massage and pedicure….soft music….great wine….and slow dancing in the living room to our song from our first dance at the reception. Oh now I could take her out and have all of this done but it means so much more when I’ve taken classes to learn how to give a proper hot oil massage ….do the pedi and Mani myself…..cook the dinner with my own two hands….means so much more.
But none of that was the case yesterday. Honestly, I hid from the world. Locked myself in my bedroom and refused to deal with anyone. It was all I could do to lose myself in my work. I wrote several songs yesterday for the album I’m currently working on. But the melodies were so melancholy. I kept going back to the days on the beach with Rocco. And the night we met on the beach and cried with each other. I know! I know! Its gone. Its over. And I need to move on. But there’s so much of me still left at her feet. Parts of me no one has ever seen or loved. But it is what it is……
To b cont.

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5 thoughts on “Day 149 —–Finally !!! Its over!

    1. I desperately try to maintain an almost painful level of transparency with this blog. It is both therapeutic and healing to me but more importantly it exists to ensure that no one ever walks this road feeling as alone as I have.

  1. You know when you go back and read some of the things you honestly felt and said in the past… almost want to delete it out of embarrassment. But I bravely leave this up because someone will also feel this way someday. But as for my opinion of this post 4 years removed from the post and more years removed from the relationship…….i was living in a fantasy unrealistic world. Sad and pathetic really.

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