Day 151

I took the weekend off from the blog to reconfigure my thought processes……oh crap…..who am i kidding? I took the weekend off bc I didn’t want to “feel” anything for a few days. Just mindlessly get up, go through the motions, get the job infront of me accomplished and go back to bed. Period.
But during that hiatus, I’ve come across some pretty powerful and life changing perspectives. The first of which is this: (someone somewhere who will remain unnamed is laughing their behinds off swearing I have a power point presentation with this! Lol! – inside joke)

1. (That’s for u! Lol!) ” The longer you hold on to the hope of what could’ve or should’ve been; the longer it’ll take you to move on.

It was that simple. I’ve been Deconstructing the “why” of it all for five months. Reliving that last conversation on Sept 10, 2012…wondering if I would’ve just caved….not stood my ground….just “friended” her mom on fb…would I have been married today? Could we have worked through the mountains of issues if I had just been patient and stayed a secret? Is this life without her but having my dignity knowing I did the right thing better than having her and being patient until she saw the “light”?

And why? Why have I spent five months reliving this? I could say bc I don’t won’t to repeat the same mistakes again….but that wouldn’t be true. I have no intention of ever opening up to anyone that way again. Proverbs 4:23-27 (MSG) Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts. Don’t talk out of both sides of your mouth; avoid careless banter,white lies,and gossip. Keep your eyes straight ahead; ignore all sideshow distractions. Watch your step, and the road will stretch out smooth before you. Look neither right nor left; leave evil in the dust.”

Not looking to the right nor left, ignoring the sideshow distractions of the opposite sex. (Who tend to specialize in careless banter & gossip. @IJS) Leaving the “evil’ that is the opposite sex (IN MY EXPERIENCE) in the dust!

So why rehash something to prevent future mistakes when I’m doing everything I know how never to be in that situation again? Yeah, I thought it was pretty retarded too once I thought about it.

2. “Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened.”

That’s huge. Huge difference in perspective. But not very easy to do. But really think about it. I can’t control that its over. God knows I wish I could. But I can’t. She left when I was still in love with her. Can’t change it. So no amount of tears will change the facts. She’s gone.
It did happen. We did spend the day in Chicago on a whim. We did go and had a magical night dressed to the nines at les miserables and a five star meal at one the most exclusive restaurants in grand rapids. We skip down the sidewalk like kids all day at art fair and ducked into this great Thai restaurant. My grandmother fell in love with her when she called her for her sweet potatoes pie recipe for my bday. It was amazing. We did have many nights spent on the beach just holding each other talking about our future kids. And on and on. She made my heart smile. She made days brighter. And I never knew love could be so amazing.
So instead, I smile……because SHE happened. And I wouldn’t trade the time with her for anything. Because no matter how badly and horrifically it ended….no matter how or what things were said afterwards……doesn’t change the fact that for most of 2011/2012 when we were alone….my heart was smiling….and she was the reason.


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