Day 157 – just too tired to bother

Its been 157 days……and I’m thankful that I can see a difference. Healing is a slow process. But I’m making progress. My reaction to my bad days are much better than 3 months ago. Speaking of which, looking for something on YouTube and noticed that she “favorites” a song. Ok, ok, I know I shouldn’t have even clicked on it. But I did. Bad move. Greg Holden’s “She’s Got Something”. Here’s the retarded thing about loving someone. Things that probably have absolutely NOTHING to do with you…..your heart can still find a sliver of something in it about you. I have no idea……actually I’m pretty sure this selection had nothing to do with me, but I still had to fight the urge to hope that she meant that she was hoping I was wanting to ” go back to New York” bc “she was the one that got away”.(those are lyrics in the song)  Ridiculous, I know. But I’ve learned that u can’t control what your heart feels….you can only control what you do. So I “put down the vain imaginations” and got back to my recovery. Its getting easier. I don’t spend countless hours locked in my room in tears after such an episode. So I actually am moving forward. Focusing on my princess and changing my current living situation. Just want to be the best dad I can be for Ava. Im not ignoring the fact that I have older daughters. But unfortunately those relationships are either beyond repair or out of my control. I wish they weren’t. But reality is reality. Princess is all I’ve got. I recognized that I can’t be the dad I should be if I’m not healthy, healed and whole. So step by step, day by day. And through the process, I’m learning how to trust Dad…a little bit more each day. I still screw things up more than I get right. (Church people hate to hear me say that….I’m a preacher…I’m supposed to be perfect….WHATEVA!!!) But I’m comfortable enough in my own skin to be honest. Finally. I can say this: My integrity and honesty is a gift she gave to me through our breakup and my heartbreak. That is one gift that ill never be able to thank her enough for or be able to repay her for. By shattering my heart, she gave me my freedom to be comfortable in my own skin. I’m probably not supposed to say this but she gave me the balls to be me. Bc in my desolation, in my utter despair, in my brokenness …..I discovered that Dad loved me ……just the way I was….I didn’t have to pretend I had it all together. He knew I didn’t…..and still loves me. The unconditional love I so desperately wanted from her, I had all the time from Him. An amazing discovery.(Sorry for the rabbithole)

In other news, Bartender has kept true to form. I was honestly, against my better judgement, going to give her a clean slate to see if a friendship could be built. Impatient and impulsive as ever, she jumped to the usual conclusions and bailed just like I thought. Honestly, I think Dad was just confirming what I already knew. I can’t have destructive influences in my life and since I wasn’t going to be smart enough to remove myself from her company…..He did it for me. I actually talked with Jill Scott, Tomboy and ATL about it. On the phone of course….as they all live out of state. But Red had an interesting viewpoint…. (to b cont)

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