Its been awhile since ive written you. theres a reason for that, but first let me ask how have you been? i hope that life has been everything youve dreamed of and has brought you more joy than your heart can hold. I still pray for you. daily. and though it is not always easy to do because of my own limits, I make it a priority to do so. Because it makes me a better man to do the actions of love regardless of my emotional state.
i havent written in awhile because of the process ive been going through. and while Id like to share that with you, the process and its outcome hasnt does not lend itself for me to do so. Let me explain. I struggle with the question of trust. Do understand, You have never broken my trust or have had your integrity called into question. Its simply this: Is beyond my capacity right now to foresee me ever being completely open with you. Is it fair? Of course not. But everything that could have ever been said to cause me to trust you has already been promised to me and those promises have been broken. and i am bound and determeined never to repeat the mistakes of 2012. Wait, I say “mistakes” but actually they werent mistakes. They were a designed plan by God to get me to this place of self awareness and integrity. To be completely honest…I just dont ever want to be hurt that way again.Im not sure that i could recover. The fact that im still alive is absolutely by divine intervention. I shouldnt be breathing. But I am. That hole was the darkest, most painful, most gut wrenching, self esteem crushing, diginity destroying experience Ive ever walked through. So you must understand my trepidation in embarking on anything that might remotely put me in danger of a repeat performance.
But there in lies the issue, how will i manage to love you in every way you deserve but do it at a safe distance for me? Ah, the future. Well, its beyond my capacity to comprehend, therefore i wont try to understand. The elusiveness of the answer to that question however impedes my excitement of your arrival. i expect you to show up at some point, when the starts align….when i reach the end of the rainbow…or when Dad says so….why? Because it will be the only way for me to completely close the door on 2012. The culmination of the “Moving On Tour”. And thats kind of how He works. The question is…..Will you be patient enough to walk with me through my fears? And will i afford you the room to try? Again, questions that are too far in the future for me to ponder or answer. and by me spending time on the questions of tomorrow, Im missing the miracle of todays freedom.
So i suppose what i am saying is that, while i know you are “there”….somewhere….in my future……im not yet. And while i pray for you…..my future wont be built on you, by you or with you…….thats far too sensitive of a project to be handled by human hands….i can only trust that to Dad. While i hope to share some of that future with you and i hope that what i have left to give is enough for you…(im sure if Dad puts you in my path and signs off, such will be the case) I also pray that Dad what i need to be who i need to be for and to you. Because ultimately….you deserve it…not because you are such a good person….but because you are the best that Dad has to offer. I once assigned a title to someone that actually belongs to you….for that i do apologize…..because actually YOU are His finest work in my eyes…Be blessed and live abundantly.