Day 162 – and the word for today is…..

Half empty or half full? Quaint cliche often used to describe how we see things. But recently I’ve been suffering through a deluge of texts, emails, inspirational thoughts and web blasts dealing with the content of my “thought life”. Now I’ve gotta pause here because I need to be clear. I’ve never been one to disparage the “Tony Robbins” of the world or beat up on those that pontificate on the wonders of affirmations and positive thinking. Its all fine and dandy. I just seem to gravitate towards those who “do” positive things as oppose to those who “think” positive things.
Often times my commitment to being a realist conflicts with the flowery thought process of the affirmative thinker. If it smells like crap, looks like crap, has the consistancy of crap…..I tend not to call it fertilization. I tend to call it crap.
But something has recently struck me as odd. Here goes: Its been 163 days in my healing process. I have endured the single most darkest, most crushing, most painful experience of my life. I have endured a suicide attempt. I have endured the complete dismantling of my life and what I had planned to be my future. I have survived months with no direction, no plan for the future, no dreams, no ambition and no desire for any of these things. And the very fact that I can type, ” I have endured..” is absolutely amazing in and of itself. For the charismatics in the room….my testimony ends with, “…..and I didn’t die.” Lolol. I didn’t endure well by any means. I screamed. Had temper tantrums. Had really REALLY bad weeks….cried days at a time….I still prefer to be alone than around people. But the more time passes, the more things become clearer.
It is what it is. Period. It is exactly what it is. No pleading, crying, temper tantrums, railing against Dad, isolating myself or leaving here will change any of it. It is just what it is. So now what? Well, I’ve been told that there is a lesson to be learned in every experience in life. So I began searching for the lesson. My first thought was, ” Do not ever listen to people again. If I would’ve kept her at arm length like I had been doing, I could’ve walked away from this unscathed and unharmed.” And I’m still a fan of taking others advice with a grain of salt. I know so many would say but this and that…..well, my reply is simple…..none of you spent months in tears, none of had to suffer this heartbreak, none of you have the scars ill have to live with….advice is easy to give when you don’t have to live with the consequences.  But Ive gotta say, after awhile I began to understand that if I hadn’t loved her completely and unconditionally, with everything in me, I would have never faced myself and come clean. So while I can’t take the advice of most, THIS hurt had to happen. For me to be the man of integrity that I’ve become.

Second lesson: Proverbs 4:23 “….above all guard your heart….” This makes most people uncomfortable when I say this because they have fused their romanticized ideas of marriage or relationships with a warped Biblical sense of what Dad intended. As one of my favorite comedians would say, “…that looks good on YOU!” I’ve learned that no one should ever have my heart, like she did. No one should ever have a place in my heart. My heart is designed for Dad, my children and the “lost”….and them alone. My heart is completely fortified against anyone else. That makes people wary. But its Biblical and what works for me. I had the right idea with keeping people at arms length. But doing it by lying and not being honest wasn’t the correct execution. 
Now I have the ability to tell someone that I care about what happens to them without ever feeling the need to express anything more. Its rather freeing.

Third lesson: NEVER build your future on or around another human being….tough lesson. Because that’s what I wanted so badly. To be so intertwined with my spouse that it would be difficult to tell where one began and the other ended. I wanted no part of my life not to include her. There’s only one problem with that scenario. When you build a house around one support beam, take out that beam…..the whole house falls. That’s EXACTLY what happened to me. My future was based solely on sharing it with her. Take her out of it. No future.  Simple as that. The proper integration of another human being into ones life is…..well….let me put it this way: another person should never be a integral part of your support structure. They should only be allowed to serve as aesthetics.  Paint, wallpaper,  molding, trim, maybe doors, windows, flowers, light fixtures….things of that nature. Never as a major support beam. That way, if they were to be removed….the integrity of the house is never threatened. The house still stands.
Its not romantic. It flies against everything we have been programmed to want. Its not 50 shades of anything. But its truth.
Its Dads way….and its right.

With these lessons being learned, I’m starting to see my “heartsmash” (patent pending..lol) as necessary and not as a betrayal of Dads grace. I blamed her for a lot of things including my pain. But I’ve come to realize that she loved the only way she knew. Can’t fault her for not knowing how to handle unconditional love….it was unfamiliar territory. And I’m convinced Dad used that scenario to push me to a place where there was only Him and I left.
I would’ve never come clean because He prodded my heart to. But I would for her. He knew that. So He used who I had chosen to be in my life to make me face me and began the process of who I’ve become.

“Necessary disasters ” I like to call them. Not unlike the flood of Noah’s time. I had to be brought to “rock bottom” to build a foundation for my life that included no one but Him. Any one added after the foundation will be just decoration. But He alone will support the house. Ive been told that telling a woman that she’s simply decoration to my life but she holds no significant place in whether the house stands or not is a good way to stay single. Lololol. I hope so. Because this life I’m building this time…..will never be shaken by another human being again. As my southern folk would say, ” Know your role and stay in your lane..” If she can’t be decoration, ……well u know the rest.

The tears don’t fall as often. I find myself reminiscing of the good times we shared..(there were so many) I remember what it was like to love so purely and without reserve. And without realizing it, I’ve ceased to describe last year as the worst year of my life and began describing it as the best year of my life. I spent a year and a half with the love of my life….and I wouldn’t change a thing. I’m a better man for it. A completely different man. It was the single most pivotal year of my existence. All because I finally fell in love.

Ill never be able to repay her for all of the amazing memories we made together. The smile that ill always have when I walk through downtown Chicago….or on the beach this summer….More than that, ill never be able to thank Dad enough for loving me through it. Doing what was necessary, even though it almost destroyed me, to make me who I am. Ill always be indebted to her parents who unknowingly and unintentionally, caused me to face my unforgiveness with them, my parents and others….and learn how to truly accept the grace of God and extend it in to others in deed, not just in talk.

I, at 41 years old, am not mourning a life that’s over…..I get to start over. A reinvention of sorts. I get to live the life my dreams are big enough to imagine. Who does that at 41? Most are saddled with college tuition,  10-20 years of marriage, 2 mortgages, in debt to their eyeballs…..they can’t just start over….I do. So who knows….I’ve always said I wanted to live in Australia …..now…I can.
Not because she left my heart half empty by walking out……but because the memories we shared left my heart half full….
The word?……perspective

Laters

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