a moment of transparency:
Today, i seriously wanted with everything in me just to give up. I asked my grandmother yesterday “How can i be living the story of Job AND abraham at the SAME TIME?! Who does that? (Biblical reference: In one day Job lost all of his worldly possessions after being the richest man in the world at the time. Job was the most “christian” guy around and such tragedy befell him. Abraham was homeless for years bc God told him to leave his home country and start walking…with no destination)
Today while packing, I was just overcome with the enormity of my struggles. In my quest to do the right thing, it seems that every time i do the right thing my situation gets worse. I said to a friend Im not sure why exactly i dont just quit. Theres something in me that keeps making me keep trying . Something wont let me just stay down after being pummelled to the ground time after time…day after day. Its not me. I WANT it to stop. but something wont let me. Not sure what.”
Then out of nowhere, I run across this video today ……I sat here for hours in tears because it felt like God was talking directly to me….telling me that THIS struggle….MY struggle is proof that i matter…..I am significant….i mean something to somebody….HIM. And even though i often feel as if i were to disappear…no one would notice…..MY struggle is proof that I matter to Him. And though my heartbreak destroyed my ability to dream big….destroyed my drive to achieve great things……my heartbreak didnt change His ability to make the dreams i can no longer dream become reality. My heart is shattered…..but His isnt…..
So i slowly lowered the “towel” i had in my hand raised…..poised to throw in…..used it to wipe my tears and brow……and ill keep going.