Day 187 – the past leaking into the present

Its been awhile since I’ve just vented here. Funny thing is….that’s why I started this blog. To document my growth. An outlet for MY feelings. And its amazing how many ppl have been offended by me writing honestly about them. I just came across the perfect quote for just such a person : “Everything that happens TO you, belongs to you. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” LOVE IT!
It amazes me that people that were on the fringes of my life actually were and are offended by my portrayal of them in my blog. It confounds me. At the same time it kind of makes sense. When people haven’t faced the truth of themselves, they typically get angry when an accurate picture is presented to them by someone else. What’s confusing is that instead of reacting with concern that someone actually sees them that way and wanting to further investigate why or what has caused them to be seen this way…..they would rather defend the lie they have convinced themselves of. The image they believe themselves to be portraying but obviously no one is buying. And the ferocity in which they defend the delusion is absolutely amazing!

Nevertheless,  I am learning to embrace and relish my “singleness”. Discovering that the unconditional love I’ve craved and thought I had found is only found in Dad. There is so much comfort in knowing that I have found the one person that I can always depend on, that will never leave me no matter how hard its gets, how many times I get it wrong….because He loves me unconditionally and is committed to me and my future. The hardest thing to do was to come to the conclusion that no one on this planet can be counted on to that degree. That’s a tough pill to swallow. I mean really! Everyone wants to literally have someone here….in the flesh….that will love them past their mistakes, past their faults, past life’s struggles and see the best in them. Committed for life….no matter what. But, that doesn’t happen…at least not very often. And those that have been blessed enough to have that for at least part of their lives, treasure it….cherish it…take care of it and protect it fiercely. For it is rare.

Transparent moment: I really should be exhilaratingly ecstatic today. I’ve got keys to my own place….did really well on my testing for a great job that pays $25-$35 an hour and I have an interview for another job today. Getting ready to play a gig for two signed artists from BET’s Sundays best and I’m enjoying a great relationship with my daughter. Life sounds great right? I’m trying to gather my fortitude bc I saw her pic online today. Its been a little over six months. And I still love her. Still tugs at the deepest part of me just to see her name in print. And today….I’m struggling bc I miss her. Nothings changed. I know the “why”. I needed to become the man I now am. I wouldn’t have become the man of integrity and resolve I am now just bc that’s who Dad wanted me to be. I didn’t love Him enough to change. But I loved her enough to give her anything….including facing the man I had become, admitting it and changing to be a better man. Does it bother me that i love her regardless of the fact that shes moved on and has no feelings for me whatsoever? No. Bc i believe that true love exists whether or not its ever returned. So i do and will love her….in a different way bc we will never be together but love her nonetheless….even though she doesnt and didnt love me. Bc no matter what, she deserves to be loved. And i promised to love her no matter what. That promise ill keep. One day, ill learn hiw to manage my love for her in a healthier way. Unfortunately, it still offends some ppl. And honestly, i think there is no one that truly understands why i still love her. The fact that they dont understand lets me know that they have no real understanding what true love really looks like when given to others. No matter, I’ve come to realize that some wounds never heal. Some hearts are never repaired. Some pain never subsides…..we just learn to live with it.
Today is a little tougher than most…..just missing the opportunity to tell her how much I still care. Real talk.

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