Ive gotta be honest. Im not sure anymore whether i believe in you or your existence. Neither am i sure i even really want to meet you. I dont say this to hurt you or to inflict any pain. But im just being completely honest and transparent. The reason for this change is fairly simple. I like the direction my life is taking. Im not happy with it all . There are some things i have yet to correct. I would like to be completely an island. I mean this in the sense that i would like to not “need” anyone for anything….ever. I am working to get to the place where i learn how to handle my ups and downs internally and not have a need to vent or need the “shoulder” to cry on for any reason. Developing a good and consistant relationship with my therapist for those things. Yes, if i chose, i could have those things for free from someone…but the price is too high for me. $100 a visit guarantees me a listening ear and a shoulder with godly counsel for an hour once a week. Without the drama, stress, codependency or quite honestly, the time spent involved in activities that neither push me toward my goals or enrich my life in any way.And that is what ensues when other people are involved in your life in a deeply romantic way. you spend your time, effort, life and energy pushing and pursuing their dreams and that energy could be used to accomplish your own. Been down that road. And im no longer interested in going down that road again.
And that is what has gotten me here……at this place in my life. I ponder on one hand what life would be like with you. And as attractive and wonderful as it may seem….I look at the other hand, living my purpose….living my dreams….backpacking across europe….dancing the tango at a nightclub in Madrid…..surfing in shark infested water off the coast of Australia…..building an orphanage with my bare hands in a thrid world country….getting lost in thailand….completing the iditarod….spending a solid year developing my app for apple..night and day…..to ensure i never work again….mentoring youth against the evils of religon and teaching of the joys of relationship with God…..confronting the lies and misnomers passed from the pulpits across the country like candy to enslave hurting people to the offering plates….to build a retirement home and fund it for missionaries that have given their lives on the front lines with no 401k plan or retirement…..to give them the “good life” they deserve for their service and not the lonely sad departure they find …forgotten in a delapedated nursing home…..mmmmmmm…..im sure you are amazing and you are incredible to love……but as amazing as you are……being with you doesnt come even remotely close to living the life ive just described. Unfortunately, I cant give my all to accomplishing this while being a husband of Gods standard. A godly husband puts his wifes needs first before his own. There is nothing he wont sacrifice for her except his relationship with God. Once married, his dreams and hopes are forever put on the back burner and his sole purpose is to push and motivate his wife and family into walking their purpose and plan for their lives. noble cause. extraordinarily rewarding. Just not rewarding enough for me to turn my back once again on the dreams and desires and burning drive that has been placed in my belly from birth.
I am man enough to admit…..i cannot change the very fabric of the world we live in AND be a proper husband. My focus cannot be divided to accomplish what has been placed in me by God. Therefore you would be neglected. Im not saying that i have all of the answers. maybe God will reveal to me one day how the two of you can co-exist. But for now, i cannot see how it could even be remotely possible. Something would suffer. Either i would not accomplish and live the life that God has for me or i would not be the husband that God intended for all husbands to be to their wives. Of course, their are the “balance’ advocates. Which when living an average everyday no descript life is very important. When all of your influence is concentrated solely in the circle of 50 people you regularly interact with…..your focus can be divided. you multi task away your days in blissful contentment of managing to live a life pleasing to God, raising great kids, faithful to your church, obedient to leadership, loving your neighbors, helping in the community when you can, paying your tithes, donating to charities and making sure your fish sticker is in the back window next to the right to life bumper sticker. Nothing is wrong with that. Its a great life. Those men live WELL. But those men in history that have taken the gumption to change the worlds very way of living…..change the pages of history itself…..the men whose passing did not just create another tombstone in the local cememtary but left a literal vacuum in society, the engine of humanity’s growth, and altered the direction of countries history forever…….those men…..couldnt afford to be men of divided focus. There is a difference between those men who live a GOOD life and GREAT men who live extraoridinary lives.
I have come to accept that i am not meant for GOOD……i am destined for GREATNESS…..not because of who i am but because of who my Father has created me to be. As much as i would have loved you deeply….given the choice of a good life WITH you and a life of GREATNESS living out my purpose…..i choose the latter.
I articulate this now and this way because there is no need to write you anymore if you are not in my future. I wish you joy, happiness and more love than your heart could ever hold. For you ARE an amazing woman….just no longer MY amazing woman.