Ok folks, today was a huge day for me. May not seem so to you all but it was so huge for me. Crazy thing is, if Dad had let me know what was in store for me today….I wouldve stayed in bed out of pure terror. Here’s a little back story.
Im about 2 months into training for a new job. This job requires that I spend quite a few hours a week with the DM in this area…being that im training for that very same position in another location. We often go over reports and policy notes over lunch or coffee. Today was one of those days.
I really wasnt paying much attention when he pulled into a parking lot that was right down the street from our place of business….I was hurrying through emails and he was talking on the phone with his realtor….then it hit me where we were….the Pita Place.
I had successfully avoided this place for about a year now. ..For those that dont know, this is the restaurant where I first saw her….where we first met…where we first spoke….and where I took her back to propose. Yeah. You cant begin to imagine the rush of emotion and almost panic that flooded me all at once. I couldnt say to him, “Uhm, we cant eat here because im not quite ready to go back in here….to many memories and I still love her.”
Yeah…not really very professional.
But honestly…my knees buckled just getting out of the car….I stalled pretending to need to take a call and respond to an email…finally we walked in.
Oh God, I ached…my heart hurt just missing her….still smelled her perfume….heard her laugh….and of all the places he picks to sit…he plops down at the very booth I proposed at! I immediately said,”No…we cant sit here. Lets sit closer to the tv.”
Then our waitress just happened to be the SAME one that served us when I proposed! I dont think she recognized me. I prayed,” God PLEASE dont let her ask. Just help me survive this meal and meeting with a shred of dignity.” I know it shouldnt have mattered to me but then noticed that SHES wearing a wedding band now….she wasnt even engaged back the then! My heart sank….as I figured out how to keep breathing. Too much at one time for me to handle….
We ordered and dove into work…made great progress….ate and by the end of the lunch, I felt ok…I didnt need a paper bag anymore. ..I could hear Dad whispering, “ive got you. You can do this. Let me heal you.”
After we worked out the tip and he paid the bill (gotta love lunch on the company) I walked out of that door with my head a little higher….my faith a little stronger….and my heart a little less painful to hold.
I had faced my second worse fear in my life and realized that its ok that I miss her dearly…and that I will love her until the earth ceases to exist….and that place will always be one of the most special places on earth to me because it was there met the single great love of my life. I was blessed to love with all my heart for almost 2 amazing years……and those memories are no longer to be feared….but treasured…..kind of like my bag of puppy chow I keep (her favorite munchies).
Sometimes…just sometimes….we fear the love or the imprint on our hearts that those we truly have loved that we cant control or understand…..but sometimes its that very love and its refusal to die long after the end of the relationship. …is the reminder we need to remember that with all of our posturing and efforts….true love takes us beyond our human limitations of understanding, forgiveness and grace…we dont have to “get it”….doesnt have to make sense. …and more importantly. ..no one else permission is necessary. Dads love for me doesnt make any sense considering how much ive failed and hurt Him. So my love for her…doesnt have to make sense to anyone else either….and its not based on her returning it, recieving it, believing it or on her doing anything to earn it. Its just there.
So ill be enjoying a gyro often by the window….smiling….remembering how amazing she was…how amazing we were and how amazing Dad is…to give me those years to experience what its like to love with everything in u…..now I know how he loves me.