This journey of healing that ive been on for these last 9 months has been one of roadblocks, personal discovery, self examination, facing my own demons, commitment to face and change who I’ve been to start the arduous journey of becoming who I was created to be. Most importantly, its been the amazing discovery of the unconditional love ive been searching for….the acceptance my heart has yearned for….the knowledge that someone loves me just as I am…..my “Dad”. Ive survived the darkest, deepest, most devastating life shattering year of my life. But only by the loving hand of a divine Father that has loved me all the time.
I have for so long through these recent months dealt with the difficulty of resolving the defining moment of “Dad” audibly telling me that she was my wife while I pleaded for Him to take control to make it so if it was His will….then dealing with the death of that dream spoken into my life. That was hard for me to understand how a God who is capable to do anything couldnt manage to keep His Word…especially when He said it…not me.
Ironically, today….on Father’s day…Charles Stanley made it so incredibly plain and released my spirit and heart to move in obedience.
Simple yet profound statement: “when a loving God chastises you and you rebel or fight that chastisement. ..you are saying that you dont trust Him enough to know whats best for you even though you say you know He loves you. When you really trust God, you can obey and say,”Thank you Dad, for not letting me continue down the wrong path. Thank you for chastising me before I made a bigger mistake.”
This translates to me this way:”Thank you God for stopping that marriage even when I know you told me she was my wife. I trust that you saw something terribly wrong that I didnt. And though it hurt terribly, I trust you in your wisdom that you saved me from something worse. I wont struggle to understand. I wont continue to hold on to hope. I trust you and that you know whats best. I love you and I know you love me. If I love you….ill obey you. So let go and trust that you wont ever let my heart be hurt that way again.”
“Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your path..” “Trust the Lord with all of your heart and lean not to your own understanding…” I can honestly say I may never understand that point of the last year and a half. Theologically and spiritually I get it. I know Dad wanted me to experience what Hes been feeling all of these years….Hes loved me unconditionally and ive promised time after time to be committed to Him, no matter what. Only to not follow through. I now understand how it tears His heart apart when I walk away….when all He wants to do is to love me just as I am. I understand how He feels when I am selective about who knows how I feel about Him….how it hurts Him when I dont share my love for Him with the world instead of a select few. Most of all, I get that I cant protect my heart from heartbreak….only He can. Because he sees the hearts of others when I cant….He knows what I dont. So he has the knowledge to protect me from hurt I cant see. So while I have trusted Him with every other part of my life….I can now trust Him with my heart.
Because trusting Him in chastisement and obeying His rebuke…knowing that its for my good only because He loves me so much…..is all I need to know.
Today ive come to understand that the why is no longer important. Because Dad loves me like I am but too much to leave me the way I am…..I can obey Him and leave the consequences up to Him.
Happy Fathers Day …God…you are the only dad ive ever had…and the only one ill ever need.