What do you think. ….no really?

Its been tough to write lately. Really tough. Learned so many lessons about how transparent most people swear they are but when the mirror is held up…no one wants to own their own crap. Makes it difficult to have relationships on any level…from associates to coworkers to family without invariably pissing someone off because they werent ready to admit that particular truth about themselves yet.
   Days and weeks like these cause me to understand why poets and composers often choose to not be bothered with the rest of the world. Honestly if I had my choice….id be a hermit. Id bury myself in a compound with everything I could ever need and only come out to visit the 10 or so people id miss and love.
   I am consistently frustrated by people. Causes me to be more and more anti-social. Which is so ironic because I have a gift with people. My passion is helping people better themselves. Yet they are the bain of my existence.  I am very heavily scheduled as of late. A lot of traveling. And I cant wait to be alone. Weird. I find myself having to be increasingly quiet. Im saying less and less. Mostly due to my lack of positive things to say about what I see around me. Instinctively,  I want to change my surroundings…not by changing the circumstance but changing my location…but ive learned through therapy and counseling that its just my defense mechanisms kicking in. Thanks Jim…wouldve been gone already if not for your “enlightenment”. (Sarcastically of course)
   Ive learned to trust my gut….but my gut rarely says anything positive anymore…..I struggle to see through the eyes of grace….God knows I need all the grace I can get….but im just tired of being forced to watch and  hear a truckload of quadriplegics, in blow tube controlled power wheelchairs, screaming insults at the few actual runners who are running that they are doing it all wrong……its nauseating. …and im tired.
   I guess what really has me discouraged is that I want to believe the best in ppl. Want to believe that as God has completely renovated who I am…the same is possible with others. They show me a glimmer of hope. Began to restore my faith in humanity. In the church. In my race. In women. In my family….That “they” arent all the same….then….sadly, they seem to always prove me right. I want to be wrong. I want to see that they all arent past the point of the redemption of character. But I have yet to see any signs of hope. Because its impossible to admit a patient into the hospital for treatment if sickness is what they percieve as healthy normal functioning of their body. I give up of the whole lot of them. No, I know I cant but…..im on the verge of dissappearing…..not really….I have family here I love…..but God knows I want to.


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