Asking for more in marriage


At One Flesh Marriage we have talked about the importance of sex, the connection within sex, and the joys of sex.  Each time that we do, we hear from people who report that their spouses are not interested in sex!  They have told us that they, “wish we could convince their spouse to do the 10-Day Challenge, but it just won’t work in our relationship”.  Invariably they ask, “How can I get my wife to have more sex?”

Now, before I dive into this important topic I want to say, loud and clear that we have also heard from women who are asking, “Why won’t my husband have more sex with me?”  So even though this post is from the perspective of a husband seeking more sex with his wife, this is in no way a one-sided issue!

The art of asking for more sex is very difficult for many men!  The first complication is simply in the asking!   Men and communication never go well together.   Men have 3 methods to tell their wives that they would like to have sex.  These man methods are critical skills that we refine, practice, and perform with precision.  At risk of having my “man card” taken I will only share a brief description:

The Sly Man Method:  This method calls for the least amount of prodding possible to “test the waters”  It starts was a casual “how are you feeling tonight honey?” followed asking, (during a commercial break of course), “so what would you like to do tonight?”  The correct tonal quality in this question and the proper emphasis on “you” is added to make sure our wives get the message.  Before the sly man method is abandoned we will also try the sly kiss, and the sly pat on the butt executed at a time and place totally unexpected and unwelcomed by our wives.The Comedian Man Method:  Once the sly methods have been exhausted it is time to bring out the big guns!  In this method we tell subtle jokes about our sex life, “You know we were born without clothes on, maybe we should try it sometime?” or, “I’m feeling a little off today. Would you like to turn me on?” Amazingly these methods sometimes fail as well.Oliver Man Method:  When the other methods fail there is only one left.  This is when desperation leads to a poor imitation of Oliver begging, “Please, may I have some more!”

All kidding aside most men have difficulty initiating sex with their wives.  Men simply do not know how to initiate a conversation or actions that would really communicate we would like to have passionate sex with our wives!  I admit for years my marriage I did not initiate sex with Kate, not because I didn’t enjoy sex, or because I didn’t want more of it, but simply because I didn’t know how to initiate.   When I had used the man method’s to no avail I often did such a poor job of it that it wasn’t met with a positive response.  So rather than verbalizing my emotions I bottled them up, and stopped initiating!   How juvenile!  Actually, it took Kate several years to get me out of this habit!

I know that I’m not the only guy who has fallen into the trap of waiting for our wives to initiate while silently waiting on the sidelines simply begging to be called into the game.  God knew that this was going to be an issue for us guys!  God’s awesome like that!  There is a great scripture that speaks directly to this issue!   James 4 says….

I’ll bet you thought I was going to quote Ephesians 5, about how our bodies are not our own!  Ahh, you are wrong!   James 4 is much more poignant for this problem!

James 4: 1-3 says:  “What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.” (NIV)

We fight because of our desires, specifically unfulfilled desires.  Sound familiar?

We want what we don’t have so we scheme or, use the man methods to get it, but we don’t ask!  We don’t ask God and we don’t ask our wives!  Then finally when all else fails we ask, beg and plead, but we ask with the wrong motives!  We are asking out of a desire for pleasure, a desire for our pleasure.

Our Pleasure, what is wrong with that?  We are talking about sex here, right?   Yes, we are but our pleasure is the exact wrong motivation for sex! The physical pleasure of sex is a bi-product, a wonderful, awesome, breathtaking bi-product, but it is not the point of sex! The true, Biblical, One Flesh purpose for sex is the intimate connection it creates between husband and wife!

Our wives know this much better than we do!  They understand that intimacy comes before pleasure!  Don’t get me wrong your wife loves the pleasure bi-product too, but she understands that it is a bi-product and she is looking for the real thing!  Are you looking to have more sex with your wife?   Then consider ways to develop real intimacy.  Find ways to increase your Emotional connection, Spiritual connection, even your Intellectual connection. I promise if you focus on these, the physical intimacy you are also seeking will become the successful bi-product of this new level of intimacy!  Sit down with your wife tonight and talk about your desire to grow a deeper connection with her. Ask her how you can help build that connection!

Abandon the man methods and start using the Real Man Method!

Love intimately, Sacrifice self abundantly, and Give freely!

“Walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God”  Ephesians 5:2 NIV


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