4 easy ways to find out whether she’s a pyschopath…all on the first date!

I’ve conducted most of my dating research in the field known as “the south  and also the Great Lakes Region”. So the young (and not-so-young) women I’ve interacted with can, for the most part, be summed up with three descriptions: they can handle all sorts of weather, they’re resourceful, and they are mostly right-of-center on the political spectrum. I possess no desire to transform this into a dating blog seeing as I really don’t feel like dating per se, so I will keep this brief. I’ve made a list of date-night ideas that will very easily help you determine just whom you’re creating a secret wedding Pinterest board for.

1. Go to Barnes & Noble.

Split up. Tell her you need to find a book your friend told you about and that you’ll meet her in five minutes. And then go to the history section and find a good Renaissance book. If she follows you, she’s insecure. SHE’S a puppy dog. SHE’S a child. SHe has daddy issues. Cut the cord and end it. If she wanders off to the political philosophy, military history, religious, EL James, or music sections, she’s a keeper. SHe has her own interests. SHe has substance. This is crucial. You don’t want to be dating a stage 5 clinger nor do you want to be with someone who only reads cosmo & elle magazine. Ditching her in a bookstore is also a great way to get some space and mental clarity. My favorite dates include long periods of time when I’m not physically near the person I’m dating. Like sporting events when I to go get me a drink every 5 minutes. Or when I stand in front of a restaurant bathroom mirror and stare at myself for the duration of her appetizer. Or in movie theaters when I say I have to go to the restroom and I actually go watch whatever Nicholas Sparks-inspired film is playing next door.

2. Have her plan a road trip. 

Wherever she wants. Even if it’s just a day trip, this is a great opportunity to see
A) what kind of planner she is and
B) where, given total control of your destination, she would like to spend alone time with you.

If it’s in the middle of the desert with no cell service and she only packs a tarp, bleach, a few rags, and a hunting knife, I’d recommend getting the heck out of there before you exit the freeway. If she picks a historically important location, this is good. You’ve got a nerd on your hands. Nerds make great girlfriends because they can list off obscure facts about any and everything and they’re awesome to have around when your laptop freezes on your embarrassing Tumblr homepage. If your love interest says, “You pick,” or “I don’t want to go anywhere,” she’s boring and indecisive and can you imagine picking out paint chips with this imbecile? Not to mention you’ll get a hard dose of reality when you’re trapped in a confined space with someone and their music playlists.

3. Travel anywhere by plane. 

Everyone’s true colors come out when faced with cancelled and delayed flights, ridiculously expensive airport meals, screaming children two seats back, and “I’m sorry, we’re out of that drink. Can I get you something else?” You could even beg her to switch seats with you so she has the middle seat to really spice things up. Does she put up a fight? Leave her at the baggage claim where she belongs. A true gentleman will let her have the window seat and he’ll stand up when she has to pee every thirty minutes. Bring an anti-anxiety pill just in case your woman is secretly a total jackwagon and you’re stuck next to her on a transatlantic flight and you don’t want to throw her out of the emergency exit and/or end up in prison on terrorism charges. I personally do not look good in orange nor have I ever found horizontal stripes to be flattering on my 5’10″ frame. This fact has kept me out of many dangerous situations.

4. Visit your local animal shelter.

Where does she venture off to first? The dogs? Cats? Goats? Does she even like animals? Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t like animals? Whether she likes deer or huskies or Garfield, a girl you want to keep around is someone who likes animals. It shows compassion, empathy, and most importantly humility. Unless she likes animals so much she keeps their severed heads in a mini-fridge in her parents’ basement next to her bedroom. Hunting is a different story, however. Every man I know that hunts animals also owns dogs and only uses bows and rifles for sport and not because he genuinely likes torturing defenseless animals. Hunting is a form of population control.

I know this is rather difficult for most women to stomach…(that’s why I don’t write for women) primarily because they sold men this idea that we are lucky to get any woman that’ll take us. Well that’s a load of crap.
Fellas learn to value yourself. If you put yourself on the clearance rack, women will treat you as such. If you treat yourself as top shelf….only top shelf women will even attempt to approach you on any level.

This article is to save you guys from catching a case, paying for a ppo, calling the cops to get the pyschopath out of your front yard, or losing your job because the nutcase comes by your job.

Understand, they’ll be women that won’t like this at all…..they’re usually the pyschos you want to stay away from to begin with.

I hope you can add one of these fun-filled activities into your schedule with your partner. And remember, I told you so. 


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