A performers confession

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Today seems a million miles from the posts of 2009

I’ve come to know God, or as I affectionately call Him “Dad”, in a way….well, that’s where the English language ceases to be adequate…..

I can’t really describe what it is we have…it’s a fulfillment of all missing pieces I never found answers to inside.

Grew up with no dad, no excuses. People overcome worse and are extraordinarily sucessful.
I never figured out how to heal from it. Never witnessed what a dad looked like
What a loving parent looked like.
No fault laid at my mom’s feet…..she was busy making sure we ate and had somewhere to sleep. She had not the time nor energy to be a “mom”.

I just never knew what love looked like from a husband, a wife, a mom, a dad…..

I started life broken..missing pieces….feeling unloved. So I performed. A musical child prodigy. I felt special because of what I could do…..never because of who I was.

And everything in life was based on the assumption that if I performed well enough….I would be rewarded with what I assumed was love….

It Turned out that it was only acceptance. Which was ironic,  because I had never accepted myself. Largely due to the fact, I never felt accepted by my parents. ….

So I performed. In school…I performed….on stages around the world…..I performed. …in the boardroom….I performed….in my marriage…..I performed
In subsequent relationships….I performed..
In ministry….I performed….
In church….I performed
At the altar…..I performed
Before God….I performed
For my children….I performed
In prayer….I performed
In friendships, in philanthropy,  in the pulpit, with christians and sinners,

I made the “grade”…never a difference.

I made others proud but never made them feel loved

I made 3 beautiful babies
Never made love

I made choices…never decisions

I made the “deal” happen
Never made the difference.

I paid the bills…but never paid attention.

Because I performed….and performed well.

But never loved well.
Until “Dad”….

He didn’t want my performance…..it would never measure up

He just wanted my permission
To love me….

I was never good enough to satisfy anyone I’ve ever met.

But I was good enough for Him….Just like he made me…

I’m Learning how to let ppl in. It’s still hard. I trust ppl far less than they know…

Far too battered and bruised from a life of blackfaced entertaining for applause and approval. Now, I know most ppl will defiantly say they don’t live for others….

They lie.

We all do. We perform. We perform for our boss to get a check. We perform for our spouses to keep the peace. We perform for our friends to keep the friendship. We perform for our church family to stay in their good graces. We perform for our children because “that’s what a parent does..”

Just what if…..

What if….we stopped performing?

What would happen?

What if we ONLY did the things we truly felt convicted to do?

What if we simply just…..

Loved?
http://youtu.be/RornLHjfma8

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