The struggle of a blind dad

I’ve never been opposed to admitting that my “crap” stinks.
(Btw, this post will lack the usual eloquence that you have become accustomed to….for that I beg your forgiveness)

I am so incredibly despondent. Looking at the myriad of social atrocities that flood the brainwashers that willingly surrender brain cells to daily (television); I can only recall the wisdom of my grandmother: ” If you want to solve a problem, you must pull up the root of it.”

I believe every dysfunction in and on our planet can be traced back to a dysfunctional and broken man. Not human being. A man. Male.

Now hear me clearly: the fault or cause of his dysfunction may not belong solely to him. But the consequences of his operating dysfunctionally is his alone.

This is the struggle of today’s “crippled male“. Imagine never seeing an automotive tool in your life. Never watching any mechanic work. Having no knowledge of the combustion engine. Then driving a busload of children across the arizona desert and breaking down. Upon calling a tow truck, they show up….hand you a tool box full of tools you’ve never seen and leave with these words, “you drove them here…so fix it.”

Yup, you’re screwed. But this is what most males are born with. Testosterone, a penis, sperm, ambition, ego, thick skin, the need to protect, goal oriented. …..and told to listen to their mother to tell them what to do with everything she doesn’t have in the way a man does.

Why in the world would we think that will ever work?
It never has and never will

That’s what I was given in life. My dad left when I was 3. Remarried and we struggled to have any relationship until I was well into my 30s.
My mother emotionally checked out and spent my childhood filled with bitterness she shared daily. Never saw one successful relationship. Never saw one strong husband or father. Never saw how a husband should love a wife….a man should love a woman…..a dad should love his children.

So tell me again how was I supposed be a husband and dad I never saw?

I started doomed. Every relationship was doomed to fail because I had no clue how they worked. I was doomed to fail as a father….I had no idea what a good one looked like.
And I did that effortlessly and with flying colors.

<uHere’s the heartbreaking part:
By me not showing healthy relationships to my children due to my lack of knowledge of how to have one…..I’ve doomed those I love the most to the same fate as I had.

I cry over this. For years, I’ve cried over this.

Now before you say,”you can still show them.” Let me explain: my oldest are 21 and 18. They’re grown. Damage is done. In addition, I’m a 42 yr old man with a average job paying plenty of child support. I have nothing but bills to offer a woman. So I recognize that my window of opportunity for marriage has past. I’ll put my girls through school. Pay for 3 weddings….by that time I’ll be 65 and just starting to accumulate some savings and assets. I’m not remotely in a place to take care of a woman. I take care of two households. ….and I am an only child so when I have finally set my babies off into the world and can tend to my financial needs….my mom will require me to finance her sunset years.

But I’m ok with that. I accept I had a shot and blew it. I’m good with that. The point for the articulation of my place in life is to detail where many men are.

We’re here. We’re struggling and failing because manhood doesn’t come with a booklet. No directions. (Not that we as a gender read directions anyway)
We perpetuate the continuation of decades lost in futility and frustration because the kid in juvenile jail or convicted of murdering another kid to be initiated into a gang…..well “that’s not my responsibility or my problem. It’s certainly not my fault.”

Neither was I. I was no one’s fault. Neither was I no one’s problem. And now 2 generations at least will suffer because I was not your problem. And just maybe your son will meet and fall in love with my daughter but have to struggle to heal her heart and have to deal with her snooping through his phone because of her trust issues with men.
Maybe they will struggle because she will never fully trust him though he doesn’t deserve it….maybe not…

But that’s not your problem either is it? Just keep your calendar open because you may be baby sitting the grandkids more than you expect.

(it’s no coincidence that Jesus was raised by a stepfather….but no one wants to raise or taken on anyone else’s responsibility)

Let it marinate flks.


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