Yeah….about that.

I apologize….

I start off with that because my readership has grown accustomed to thought provoking topics covering the expansive gambit of the human experience.  From prophecy to politics….from legalism to love….from morality to the middle ages…..we leave no stone unturned in our chats here.

But today, I am reverting back to the strained efforts so well documented in the first posts of this baring of my soul’s scars and brain’s musings.

This is just me. Where I am. How I am. How I feel and why. Feel free to disembark the ride at anytime. As for a nugget of applicable wisdom…….I haven’t any. Just the comfort of informing you that you are not the only one screaming on this ride.

Here I sit. At a rest stop. It’s now 3am. Been here since 11pm.  Apparently bmws aren’t keen on alerting their owners when the radiator fluid is low….or more akin to fumes. They just shut down.

Went around in circles with the tow service (they obviously don’t use gps or are familiar with 1-85)
4 hours and they can’t seem to find me or the rest stop.
I just got frustrated and told them,”don’t bother. I’ll sleep in my car.”

I’m here only because I’m struggling to be a good dad. I drove the 6+ hours to spend the weekend with the light of my life.

You see, I did a crappy job of being a dad to my older two daughters. Almost as crappy of a job as my dad and mom did. (I could never completely disappear from my daughters life and I could never hold as much hatred for my own child as my mom) nonethless, I was a horrible dad.
And while I continue to rebuild those relationships….my 4 yr old princess who saw me as the greatest thing since sliced bread gave me a chance to be just that. A great dad. A great parent. Not that I ever saw one. But I knew enough to be the opposite of what I had.

So I try. I make the trips. Ignoring the cutting remarks of her mom. Accepting the apology I’ll never get for moving my precious baby 14 hours away from me in the cover of night. Accepting the fact I now have to earn the right to be her life when I never left her. She was taken from me. I work tirelessly to make sure she has dental coverage, vision, insurance….everything I can manage….working at a dead end job I could care less to be at. But musicians don’t get benefits, right?. I left my love of music and put it down for good after a 30 year career……to be a good dad. Because she’s worth it.

And as I sent the text, “I’m not going to make it home anytime soon, my car overheated and stuck at a rest stop….”

I get the reply from her mom, “anything I can do? Smh lol, ok.”

Really?!?! That’s the best measure of concern you can muster? Wow.

Dad, (those of you who read often know I call God  my”Dad”)

I’m busting my hump here. I trying to do what’s right. I want to chase my dreams. But I’m being responsible and being the coolest thing I could be….a good dad. But seriously bro. I could use a hand. Really? I need to work tomorrow.  I don’t need a day off. Especially not in Hicksville,  U.S.A!? I could see if I wasn’t doing everything in my power…..wait, I didn’t deal with this kind of adversity when I was a bad dad? What gives? I don’t get you. Seems like you would lend a hand to those who try to get it right and not reward those who don’t try. I’m saying prayers every night on the phone.

And I’m getting my behind handed to me. What gives? I try to be a man of integrity. The kind of man I would want her to marry…..and I’m eating a steady diet of bricks to the face.

From my mom
From my daughters mom
From work
Romantically

And I’m giving everything I’ve got in ALL of these areas…waaaaayyy out of my comfort zone. And I’m getting beat to death.
Yet, I still encourage others to do what’s right and be positive. ….I sat and listened to someone else’s issues for 2 hours tonight before they even asked how how I was. They needed an ear. They only asked because they heard my response to realizing my radiator was bone dry!

I’m not hounding you. Because I know you don’t respond to my need. You’re already done all you’re going to do on the cross. I’ve got to figure this out. But my only question is:

WHAT YOUR DEAL, DAD?

I know what an absent dad looks like…..I had one….I was one…..I don’t need a repeat. And this deja Vue isn’t a good look.

Just sayin.

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