I have only suffered two heartbreaks in my life. One was needed and essential. One was not. I will use both in this chapter to hopefully help you the reader understand how to avoid these pitfalls. They were both caused by me having no knowledge of what a woman fears most.
The most important question any man can every ask a woman but by in large part, never gets asked is: “Can you handle being treated well by a good man?” Now EVERY woman will say “yes”. Far too many of them are lying. They will argue the point. They will debate it. They will recall the relationships strewn along the road of their past. They will claim to have a superpower known to women as “intution”. There is no such thing. Men are just very messy and have horrible follow-through. They will claim to have been waiting on Mr. Right for a long time but will cave into the pressure of fear and run as fast as they can.
This is the crux of this chapter. In order to understand what a woman wants, you must first understand what she needs and fears.
Unfortunately, they are rarely the same thing.
In my first heartbreak, which didn’t happen until until I was 40 years old. Yes, I managed to keep all relationships, including a marriage, at arms length for 40 years and had never been hurt. I was a huge romantic. But thanks to an emotionally unavailable mother, I developed the ability to appear to be emotionally engaged but actually safely tucked behind miles of emotional defenses, land mines, booby traps, guard dogs and walls that reached to infinity. And no one ever knew the difference. Sound familiar to anyone? I thought so. We men are masters of this.
I won’t elaborate or bore you with the details right now of the relationship and its origins but it’s important for you to know a few things.
First and foremost, I did what 99% of men do in the beginning of relationships. I withheld important information about my past
Why do we do this? Because every man’s worse fear is that if they knew who we really were, they wouldn’t want anything to do with us. All men have this fear. ALL men.
Secondly, she begged me to come clean because facts just kept materializing out of thin air. She promised we could overcome anything if I just came clean.
Well, 6 months before the wedding, I did. On my knees….in her parents living room….with her parents and our premarital counselors present. With tears running down my face I admitted everything dark twisted thing I ever did. To people I barely knew. Because I knew I was losing her. What you must understand is that this was the first relationship I “went all in” on. She didn’t like my business. I shut down my business and found a job. She didn’t like my church. I was willing to switch churches. I changed the way I dressed. My hair. I gave up my dreams for the future for an average life In the suburbs. I had too much invested and I had never given anyone my heart.
Long story short….I bared my soul that night and she still gave back the ring and broke it off.
Now here’s the point of that story. There were other factors in play…..her parents were sabotaging the relationship from the beginning. They actually asked people to break us up. But the important part men you need to get it this:
Once she got what she asked for….complete honesty….she could no longer stall….she had nothing left to cover her fear of leaving the creature comforts of living at home with no bills and embarking on a life solely relying on me to provide.
She couldn’t pull the trigger, not because of me but because she had moved to another with a guy, was abused and had to move back home once already. Then got married, abused and had to move back home. And she wasn’t ready to risk another possible failure. That was the 800lb gorilla in the room, never discussed. It wasn’t my past I repeatedly lied about. Which all were ex girlfriends and my relationships with my daughters.
No, it was her fear of not knowing what to do next. I had come clean. Owned and admitted everything. Took the blame. Changed jobs so that I wasn’t working ten hour days, six days a week. Now that premarital counseling would no longer be about what’s wrong with Gerald, she feared that she couldn’t live up to the bar she set for me. Would she own her issues? Rather than risk exposure of her past indiscretions to her oblivious parents…..she ran.
You see men, women everywhere say they want the “perfect guy”. Honest, has integrity, so on and so forth. When that guy presents himself or is willing to change to be that man ….and does….then they fear they aren’t capable of reciprocating that level of transparency. And you, my friend, must see this upfront. Some women only know how to play detective and snoop to catch their man in a lie. So when they get a faithful one, they berate and manufacture drama that doesn’t exist. Most men accused of something enough times will eventually walk away.
Men, you must spend the time to observe her behavior and spot these issues ahead of time. BEFORE beginning a relationship. When a woman tells you that her last 5 relationships ended because he cheated, step back and at least wait six months before mentioning a relationship. But above all, be honest. She going to ask, “So where is this going? Are we going to try being a couple?”
Be straight with her. Be a man. Tell her, ” Your last 5 relationships ended badly because of infidelity (or abuse or whatever the case). I need time to observe you to see if you are actually healed from those hurts or not. If you are prepared to allow me that time, let’s continue. My heart is valuable to me. I need to know if you can handle it and a faithful man”
If she gets angry and makes excuses or tries to convince you she is ready…..you might just want to move on anyway.
Women will RARELY admit to you that they aren’t ready. Or that they are scared they won’t measure up.
But understand, guys, they are constantly being measured in every aspect of their lives. Are they thin enough? Are they good mothers? Are they sexy? Are they good employees? Ceos? Smart enough to do things men do? Worthy of the big paychecks? They are always being measured and measuring other women. Sadly, they have done this to themselves. Men don’t write Cosmo, Redbook, Vanity Fair. Oprah is a woman. Most of us think Dr Phil is too! They have done this to themselves. But we as men have to take back the reigns of society and right the ship!
If we, as men, say to women,”Look, I like you but you still are very damaged by your past that you haven’t healed from. I can’t be responsible for your healing. I can’t ever learn to love you if you don’t love yourself enough to be healed. How will you show me what you don’t know? My heart is too valuable to me to trust with someone that doesn’t value their own.
The Bible says, ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself.’ You don’t love you. How can you love me? I will help you heal but from a place of friendship and nothing more. I won’t sleep with you. Hold your hand. Kiss you or court you until you can love you. When I see that…..then we can discuss this again.”
If we ever learn to make them wait for us. And not the other way around. We will finally be able to be the kings we were designed to be. We must understand the fear women have of a good man and then….and only then….will we be able to stop trying to convince them that we are.