I’ve been approached recently, from different circles of friends on this subject, lately. It seems to have grown to epidemic proportions. And while there has been millions of articles and musings on the pitfalls of dating insecure men….very little can be found to help men identify and avoid the same pitfalls of the opposite gender.
While I am very fortunate and blessed to be in a relationship with a woman teeming with confidence, self awareness and can move constellations with her sheer will. With all the elegance and grace befitting a queen…..(she is an Angel and is seriously that badass…seriously)….we all, at one time or another have found ourselves, as men, in this relationship. I decided to put to digital paper my best advice on the subject.
Recognizing the signs of insecurity in a woman is useful way to be able to determine what is actually causing the relationship problems.
So you can then decide either to help her manage or that the relationship is toxic and it’s move on.
Insecurity is obviously something that is not only felt by men.
Women manifest the signs of insecurity in slightly different ways to males.
For them it is far more emotional and less about sex. Understanding the way women think and their differences to men will help you significantly in your relationships.
Picking up on insecurity signs can help you understand whether your partner is being insecure and not just acting mean or irrational. This way you can support her rather than antagonizing her. It is also helpful when in a new relationship to consider whether or not you want to engage in a partnership with a very insecure woman. These are some of the key signs of insecurity in a woman:
She Is Defensive
She takes everything as a criticism and jumps straight to being defensive as her default mode. You may not have done or said anything that should give reason for such a reaction but you receive it nonetheless.
She Is Authoritarian
signs of insecurity
image by Ihdren
In a healthy relationship both partners need to maintain their individual identity and not lose themselves in a relationship.
An insecure woman will feel threatened if you find any satisfaction or validation outside of the relationship, even in your career, sport or friends.
She will start acting in a very controlling and authoritarian manner. It will likely begin very subtlely and will creep up on you slowly.
If you are still smitten with her you might even find it cute and will cave into it. Soon enough it becomes irritating and then downright crazy.
She Gets Jealous
Jealousy is a result of insecurity. It is a reaction that is triggered by some external event, such as you talking to an attractive woman.
Being jealous is different to be insecure but it is one of the causes and signs of insecurity. A little bit of jealousy is nothing to worry about and is just a protective instinct. But highly emotional irrational jealousy is something to be concerned about and is a tell tale sign of insecurity.
She Needs Constant Validation And Reinforcement
Insecure people are not comfortable in their own skin. They derive they self esteem from other people’s judgement not from any internal satisfaction with themselves. An insecure woman seeks constant reassurance that she is beautiful, valued and loved. This is why you find insecure people to be such attention seekers. They are looking for validation that they are acceptable as they are.
She Makes You Feel Guilty
If your woman has ever made you feel guilty for spending time with anyone other than her then she has an insecurity problem. Because she has low self esteem and invests herself far too heavily in the relationship she cannot handle the fact that you are deriving any sort of pleasure from anyone other than her.
Of course emotionally healthy people need to derive satisfaction from many areas of life and a relationship is just one of those. A secure partner understands this is does not command 100% attention nor make you feel guilty if you do not give it. If she demands you get all your satisfaction from the relationship then this is one of the sure signs of insecurity.
She Belittles You
Bullying and belittling are part of the arsenal of an insecure person. To make themselves feel better they try and make you feel small. In a relationship it is a subtle and subconscious attack on your self esteem. She wants to drag you down to her own self hating level. Because she cannot understand why you would want her she thinks her only way of keeping you is to knock your self esteem so much that you eventually come to depend on her and are on a mental leash.
She Cannot Handle Someone Who Doesn’t Need Her
While we often tell our partners “I can’t live without you” as a romantic gesture in reality we could all live without our partners if we had to. They might leave us or death might take them from us. Life would go on. It is not a pleasant thought but it is the reality. No person ever physically needs the other in a relationship.
Needy people are unattractive and those who are aloof and non needy are very attractive. While a woman may appear aloof and unneedy early on if she is inherently insecure it won’t be long before these traits manifest themselves as one of the key signs of insecurity.
Had she shown them at the start of the relationship perhaps you would have run a mile, but now you don’t. She subconsciously knows this which is why she hides it in the beginning, waiting until you have her trust before she unleashes the full fury of her insecurity.
Secure people understand that they don’t ever need the other person. Even if they have been in a committed relationship for years they stay there by choice not by need. If you don’t descend into this petty neediness she will try her full range of controlling, demeaning and authoritative behavior to try and get you to conform to her neediness.
Understanding the insecurity signs is one thing, dealing with an insure woman is another thing all together. It is easy to throw your hands up and say it’s too hard and not your fault. Yet it is better to be proactive and try and make the best of the situation for yourself. I recommend the “Dealing With Difficult People” pack as a way to handle insecure women.