Starbuck”s

I’m sitting in a Starbuck’s right now….

It’s 10pm

There is probably 60 people in here

All have stopped by here with their friends….talking about their lives…cathcing up on new developments….accomplishments and goals….socially connecting

theyre smiling, engaged, laughing and totally engrossed in the topic of conversation.

Eyes bright with expectation of the future and vibrant voices brimming with excitement

perked up ears and faces aglow awaiting the next response….

Here I sit alone….
open tablet….Ipad…and two phones charging with a cup of house coffee

feeling so small and unimportant….

desperately wanting to matter to someone….on the verge of tears….fighting the urge to cry right here at the table

sinking under the weight of the realization that….
if I did allow myself to cry…
right here…
at this moment…

No one would notice….

my utter loneliness is that which is what is literally breaking my heart.

My youngest daughter just called me for the first time in weeks…
Her voice gave me brief relief from my darkness..
Only to revive the ache and wound of her being beyond my grasp as i cannot see her due to her being in another state.
I miss her so much…

Her hugs would make this cloud go away
even if only momentarily.

I will pack up my things here and take my short walk back to the place I’m staying. It’s a little cold….even for a Michigander
But hopefully the cold will dry my eyes before i get to my place I’m staying…..

And i will again cry myself to sleep for a few hours….

If they only knew what I’m feeling at this very moment……I believe they would……I can’t finish it because I honestly don’t believe they would run to my side….

I’ve run to hundreds of people’s side when they were here……

Yet I sit here alone….
Utterly alone….

And if I get up from here….it will be alone…
And my trust and faith in all other people will forever be lost and left in this pit.

Forever closing me off to any chance of real true connection….

And breaks my heart….

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