Often leaders and entrepreneurs say, “I don’t give a crap what anyone else thinks.”
Understand that in itself is its own kind of hustle.
A hustle on ourselves and a hustle to actively avoid the truth of how others actions affect us.
And whether we like it or not. Other people actions affect us. Even if we lie to each other and ourselves that they dont.
When others don’t behave like we expect them to…it hurts us.
Because expectations without grace is the breeding ground for emotional wounds.
When we hold others to a higher expectation than we hold ourselves, then expect a grace we don’t extend…we will be hurt.
We fail people we love everyday. We ignore their cries for friendship and relationship but are hurt when ours go unnoticed.
That pain affects us. It causes us to close ourselves off emotionally or causes us to explore conversationally our reaction. Sometimes we express the effect in anger or distrust.
Nonetheless we are affected.
Truth is, when we choose to close ourselves off it is because we lack the courage to be authentic. Which is more common than you’d think.
I don’t mean authentic in the boutique store definition we all like to use. The one that makes us look “real” and like better people.
I mean the authenticity that shows how weak and fragile we really are. That shows us exposed. Out from behind our fake bravado. How we hurt and why we hurt. How inconsiderate we really are of other’s feeling. How self absorbed we really are and can readily admit it.
I’ve always reserved my authenticity for the people I trust and though myself to be truly authentic. In my life’s experience, that hasn’t been the best policy. I’ve qualified the people that do make it on my list by how they take care of my deepest wounds.
Here’s the kicker: by the standard, rarely will you be authentic with the people closest to you.
Because the people closest to you almost always take the worse care of your wounded places. Not intentionally, but because they’re just like you….imperfect.
I promise for every time you’ve been hurt by a friend, you’ve hurt your friends twice.
I know this because I’ve done it. I’ve been completely emotionally unavailable to friends during hard times and then wonder where they heck were they when I needed them.
We all suck at it. And for me to assert some moral superiority about my level of commitment to my circle is the greatest of all hustles and a monument to a lack of authenticity.
Well Dr. Brene Brown does an incredible job of breaking this quandary down to its lowest common denominator.
“If we don’t care at all what people think, we lose the capacity for real connection. When we are defined by what others think, we lose the courage to be truly vunerable.”
So here’s the tightrope to walk: Care what people think but not to much to be defined
Make a list of people whose opinions really matter
How do you choose who makes the list?
Dr. Brown says this, “The people who are on my list and I think should be on everyone’s list are the people who love you Not in spite of your vulnerability and imperfections but because of your vulnerability and imperfections. ”
(Please read that carefully….it’ll completely change whose opinions you value )
Key words: because of your vulnerabilities and imperfections. …..
Those are the people we should treasure their opinions….
Dr. Brown keeps a list of this people on a one inch piece of paper in her wallet. I’ve adopted this practice….
When people say, write, do hurtful things to me….it’ll can pull out my paper, check my emotions and take away any value their actions or words may have in my emotional bank….by saying
“They’re not on my list “
As President Theodore Roosevelt so eloquently stated:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Let it marinate folks
Your greatest success and triumph lives next door to your greatest fear.